Faith/Love/Sex Poem: CHOOSING ME, by Vanessa Williams

I said no to a fine man with a big dick
And yes it was hard like going to a buffet and you ain’t ate all day.
Looking for your hunger to be satisfied by all the delicious choices inside and eat nothing
What’s worse?
Decaying on the inside because of all of the men I let inside.
What I thought would satisfy only left me empty.
As they pulled out, parts of me left too
Only leaving a residue of themselves, I forgot what I looked like.
See what people don’t tell you when someone close to you dies, you desire closeness like a crack fiend.
Willing to take any hit just to feel again
Willing to lower standards, while body count rises, all the while hiding behind title and a fake smile
When my mother died
I had 5 one night stands because I couldn’t stand to be at home at night.
I’d rather wake up in a strangers bed than face the familiar of my dread
Yet every morning, sorrow greeted me like a two year old child running to see daddy after a long day apart
As if me and grief will never part
Like it grew the limb I lost when her life support machine stop beeping, my heart stop beating
I tried to live off of someone else’s pulse
Hoping their body would keep me alive but I continued to die
Like an anaconda wrapped around me life, squeezing the life out of me
Slow but firm
Soft yet lethal
I thought it was just sex, but the outcome death
This isn’t just something you can wipe off with a towel
My heart was stained, body lame,hope drained
I couldn’t keep living like this
So maybe, waiting until marriage wasn’t punishment but protection
Protection from a heart shattered and left for dead protection from slipping through hands never meant to hold me
I guess we both miscarried
Protection from feeling like someone play thing: up and off the shelf, up and off the shelf my value is gone
So yea
I said no to a fine man with a big dick and yes it was hard
But choosing me has never been easier